Planning to Retire? Ducks!

Scene from 1967’s “The Graduate” starring Dustin Hoffman, imagined:

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.                                                               

Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?

Benjamin: Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire: Ducks!

Benjamin: Yikes! What?! What is it?! (looking up while cowering from floor)

Mr. McGuire: No, no, Benjamin, I said DUCKS!


I was recently pondering the demographics of the average Notes from the River reader (hi, Mom!), and it occurred to me that most people out there may be pondering their relaxing retirement years.

I know my Mom certainly is, since she’s already retired and living in Florida. She feels particularly secure, since the house we grew up in is on a Florida “mountain” (elev. 26 feet), towering above the tidal Broward River down below.

This means she’ll be safe from Florida’s rising sea levels resulting from global warming, predicted to go up 6 or 7 feet in a few years or so, inundating Miami, Tampa, Daytona, Orlando (yes, including Disney World) and even perhaps Yeehaw Junction (pop. 240). And of course, it will also inundate much of Jacksonville, our home town.

But alas, Mom will be safely high and dry as her retirement years unfold, far above the din and tumult rising from the flooded masses down below. This is because she engaged in careful retirement planning.

And you should, too.

So this week Notes from the River offers all of its loyal readers (hi, Mom!) some healthy financial advice so that they, like my Mom, can safely live out their retirement years high above the rising tide in relaxed financial security.

This brings me to the above oft-cited quote from 1967’s post-college graduation relationship advice and financial planning documentary: “The Graduate”, where Mr. McGuire advises a young Dustin Hoffman to invest heavily in Rubber Ducks.

Well not really, but he certainly would have had he been even remotely aware of the upcoming 5TH ANNUAL SANGAMON RIVER DUCK RACE!!  That’s right, the hot financial tip of the week for all Notes from the River readers is to invest your life savings, or at least all of your disposable income, in Rubber Ducks (so buy your duck, already, Mom)!

This is especially true if – like a certain Mahomet Citizen columnist – your life savings and your disposal income from column writing (combined) add up to 5 bucks!

Obviously, Rubber Ducks are a far better investment than the Illinois Lottery.

According to the definitive financial advising source, “the internet”, the odds of winning the jackpot in the new Lucky Day Lotto IL game are one in 1,221,759, which is still an odds bargain compared to the jackpot odds of one in 259 million of winning Mega Millions.

(note: the odds of making money on the Illinois Lottery reportedly increase substantially if you publish a book on “How to win the Illinois Lottery” and sell it on the internet for $2.99).

In addition, investing in Rubber Ducks is way more of a sure bet than video gaming in Mahomet (since you can’t even do it – yet). So all of you shrewd investors out there should (while awaiting a decision from the Mahomet Village Board), invest your life savings and your disposable income (that you would have otherwise flushed down the proverbial toilet of video gaming), in Rubber Ducks!

To make my point, in comparison to the odds of winning the Illinois Lottery, the odds of winning at the 5TH ANNUAL SANGAMON RIVER DUCK RACE!! are an eye-popping 25 (the number of FABULOUS PRIZES you could win) in 500 (the number of ducks they might sell, unless they sell more). Which, using sophisticated, financial-planner-type mathematical formulas that you probably wouldn’t understand, is roughly equivalent to an astounding 1 in 20!! Heck, compared to the Illinois Lottery, that’s practically a sure thing!

Now that, friends and neighbors, is some shrewd retirement planning.

But perhaps the most rewarding thing about investing in Rubber Ducks are the FABULOUS PRIZES you can win that will undoubtedly make your retirement years far more relaxing and enjoyable.

For example, one of the TOP PRIZES is a brand new kayak donated by Fisher National Bank of Mahomet. Now wouldn’t kayaking the Sangamon be a great way to spend your relaxing retirement years (or if my Mom were to win down in Florida, kayaking the streets of Jacksonville)?

You could also win a truckload of top quality garden mulch from Mahomet Landscapes to increase the happiness from your retirement garden, or a set of golf balls from Commerce Bank, along with a round of golf at Lake of the Woods.

And after that, what better way to relax in your retirement years than not one, but two chances at a half-hour massage from Walk Chiropractic!

Kayaking! Gardening! Golf! Massage! Now that, friends and neighbors, is planning for relaxing in retirement! I mean, you may as well go ahead and quit your job right now!

In addition, the TOP PRIZE is $500 in cash! And if you were to, say, invest all that in Apple stock, and it were, say, 1976, then financial security in your retirement years would be assured!

Be that as it may, there is still another great reason to invest in Rubber Ducks at 5 bucks a duck.

Regardless of whether you win one of the FABULOUS PRIZES, you are still a winner since your donation benefits the Upper Sangamon River Conservancy and the Mahomet Parks and Recreation Department, both of which are dedicated to improving our area and to making leisure and recreation opportunities in and around Mahomet the very best that they can be.

And that, friends and neighbors, is an investment in all of our futures that is a sure-fire, winning bet for all of us!

So in closing, I have one word for all of my loyal Notes from the River readers out there: Ducks!!

Get yours today! (what are you waiting for, Mom?)


Appeared as Notes from the River, Mahomet Citizen, August 13, 2015, by Scott Hays

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